literature

Guilty

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Literature Text

The room was small and cold.  Everything in the room was white.  Sterile.  There were two people in the room: a man and a woman.  The man was tall, middle-aged, with short brown hair and rimless glasses.  He wore a long white jacket and stood behind a tall white table.  The woman was young, in her early twenties, with long mousy brown hair and a small nose.  She looked frightened and small, standing next to the comparatively giant man.

"You."

She turned to face the man.  "Yes, sir?"

"You are not permitted to speak."

"But-"

"You are hereby charged guilty of crimes against this woman," he said.  He gestured to the frightened woman beside him.

"But I didn't-"

"Do not speak.  You have caused unnecessary pain, suffering, humiliation, discomfort, inconvenience, hardship, and undesired responsibility to fall upon this woman.  The penalty for such crimes is death."

"But what did I-"

"Take her away," he called.  The door opened, and a blonde woman wearing a white jacket - like the man's - walked in and grabbed her arm.  She struggled against the woman's tight grip, her heart pounding wildly.

"I didn't do anything!" the little girl screamed.  "I barely even know her!  How could I have done anything to her?  Please, I don't want to die!"

The man and the woman ignored her pleas and spoke gently to each other.  She screamed and screamed as the other lady dragged her away, but they acted as if she did not exist.  She was almost out the door now.

"Don't worry, it'll be over soon," the man said to the young woman.  "We can take care of this problem quickly."

The door slammed shut, and the little girl was carried away, still kicking and screaming and sobbing as hard as her little body could handle.

The woman dragged her to a room across the hall.  This room was smaller than the first, but the same sterile white.  A red chair sat in the center of the room.  The woman forced the little girl into the chair.  She was too weak to resist.

A moment later, the same man from the other room stepped in gently.

"Time to take care of business," he said cheerfully to himself.  He did not acknowledge the little girl's presence.

"Please-"

"You do not have the right to speak," he said.  "No one cares about you."  He circled behind her and before she could turn her head, he stabbed a needle into her neck.

The poison began working immediately.  It burned like fire through the little girl's veins, and she screamed involuntarily.  She writhed and wailed; she fell off the chair, shrieking and sobbing, her whole body exploding in pain.  The man casually stepped over her and moved towards the door, ignoring her screams.

He stopped and leaned toward the woman.  "Throw it in the trash with the rest," he said.  She nodded and smiled serenely.  

And when the little girl finally died, that's exactly what she did.
There is no justice for those without a voice.

:iconthewrittenrevolution: critique: [link]

Specific critique questions:

:bulletblack: Can you clearly tell what the metaphor is here?
:bulletblack: This feels like a VERY unpolished piece to me. What sentences/phrases need tightening up?
:bulletblack: Does this piece make you feel any strong emotion? What could I improve in that respect?
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KyeWriting's avatar
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Overall
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star-half::star-empty::star-empty: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Impact

Oooh, I always like when deviations I'm found of requests critiques.

I like this story a lot because it starts out humorous. The woman is convicted of a crime that is described in a rather silly manner:

"Do not speak. You have caused unnecessary pain, suffering, humiliation, discomfort, inconvenience, hardship, and undesired responsibility to fall upon this woman."

The more the story unfolds, the more the emotional turmoil of the protagonist appears. It isn't just a silly sentence, but a profound fear of judgment that this woman has, and it is coming closer and closer to a breaking point, of with the execution is the metaphor. I feel the desperation and fear of the protagonist intensely. Her self-esteem is falling rapidly, and in the end, she considers herself to be no more than trash, hence the metaphor. Perhaps this is a story about a prostitute? It just comes to mind.

You ask if I can clearly tell what the metaphor is. The answer is no, it is very much up to interpretation. But that's a good thing! If there is a particular message that you want the reader to understand, then you should clarify it. Otherwise, leave it up to the reader. It's your choice.

To intensify the emotions in the text, I suggest that you spend a few more lines where you wish to push the emotional toward the reader. Think it through before you write - what emotion do I want to portray? Why is it there? If I were to explain it to a friend, how would I do that? With these questions answered, you have a foundation that you can write from.

You write that you think the story feels unpolished. I don't think so. However, it would look better and more "polished" if you didn't have so many blank spaces. It gives sort of a hollow edge to the story that doesn't quite fit. Instead of:


"You."

She turned to face the man. "Yes, sir?"

"You are not permitted to speak."

"But-"


perhaps you can change it to:


"You."
She turned to face the man. "Yes, sir?"
"You are not permitted to speak."
"But-"


There is one thing that is very confusing in Guilty: In the first part of the story, you state that there are 2 people in the room, one man and one woman. Throughout the story there are at least 3, two women and a man. There seems to be a little girl as well, or maybe this is one of the women? This is very confusing, and I suggest you clarify the characters. It shouldn't be too hard.

All in all, it's a thought-provoking story with interesting metaphors. Work on the structure and the logic and it'll be even better!